Online dating is a dirty little lie – part two

…continued from Online dating is a dirty little lie – part one.

A Predatory Environment

If you think your local bar or nightclub is the quintessential “Meat Market”, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. The online dating world is fraught with pick-up artists. (Disclaimer: Are there women scammers who troll online dating sites? Sure… but in my research the amount of women scammers isn’t even close to the amount of men.) In truth, online dating sites allows these hustlers to become anyone, say anything, claim anything, and portray an image that sells them to as many willing/hopeful/desperate/naïve people as possible. In many ways, online dating provides a finishing school for amateur pick-up artists.

Early failure does not deter them from achieving success. Quite to the contrary. Online dating provides them with a world-wide arena they would otherwise not have, where they can perfect their lines by trying them out on a multitude of people; where they can pursue whatever it is they’re after. Maybe it’s an ego boost. Maybe online sex, instant emotional gratification, short-term love, one-way companionship, etc.

I interviewed 50 men who use online dating sites to meet women. Here’s what a few had to say (and all of them requested to be kept anonymous):

From G.S. in New York: “Online dating is easy. I check out their profile and can find out really quickly what they are looking for in a guy. Maybe they want a relationship, so I tell them I want one, too. Some want a guy to be all adventurous, so I tell them about my last mountain climbing exhibition or how I bike a lot. It doesn’t matter what I say, because once I get in there, I probably won’t see her again.”

From E.B in Chicago: “I have a really great profile. I paid a professional writer to help me with it. It’s general enough to appeal to many different types of women. It usually only takes me a short email to get her interested. From there, I just pour on the charm. A smile, a little shy attitude over coffee, and she’s mine.”

From M.D. in London: “You just tell them what they need to hear. It’s not complicated. Women on online dating sites are there because they want a boyfriend or husband. They’re prequalified, so it’s really like shooting fish in a barrel. I tell them I want something exclusive… a real connection. I take it a little slow, and before I know it we’re in bed. They’re eager to land a guy, so if I play my cards right, it’s easy to get laid.”

These men also shared something they have in common: They all play the numbers game. They each send many, many emails out to lots of different types of women, resulting in many email exchanges and chat sessions, and a few dates — the goal of which is to end up having sex. These scammers deal in volume because different women take different lengths of time to coerce into the bedroom. If a woman proves she’s too challenging to get into bed, these predators move on.

From F.H. in San Francisco: “I test the waters with soft lines. But I don’t want some lady to fall in love with me. It’s too hard to get away from that. If I see that she’s ‘really’ after a relationship, I move on. I can find easier targets.”

And in this simple statement, perhaps we find one of the most common reasons why he seemed so into her on that first date and then never called her again.

This predatory environment has far-reaching implications. These men play on/prey on women. After a few bad dates and misplaced emotional investment in the wrong guys, many of these women decide that all men are like this. So, when a genuinely nice guy comes along, she’s not interested, or else she decides that he’s “just like all the rest”. The nice guy then laments that women only date the jerks, and he sets out to become a jerk in order to garner a woman’s interest. Rinse. Repeat.

The Real Lies and Secrets of Online Dating Sites

The business of online dating is business, not love. You want the dirty truth? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The online dating industry generates $1.9 billion (with a “B”) of revenue every year, earned mostly from monthly subscriptions. The typical dating site customer spends an average $239 every year in their quest to find love; just under $20 a month. However, were those monthly subscribers to find love quickly (as these dating sites promise to deliver, thanks to their algorithms and science), they won’t stay subscribed to the site very long. They will have found love and won’t be dating anymore… and there goes the dating sites’ monthly subscription fees. Think about it: If everyone fills out a 400-question compatibility survey, chances are decent that there will be some commonalities… perhaps even a connection or two. If that’s the case, and the science/algorithms are so good/accurate, why would anyone have to spend $239 over 12 months to find someone with whom they click?

According to “Sally” (name has been changed), a senior consulting programmer who’s assisted in the creating of compatibility algorithms at a number of online dating sites, it costs the average dating site approximately $120 to generate a new customer. (In the subscription-based services world, this is called the Cost of User Acquisition, and includes the fees associated with advertising, promotion, sales bonuses, transaction fees, and more). But if the monthly fee is only $20 a month, the dating site needs to keep you using their services (read: unmatched) for at least six months just to break even. To show a profit, they need to keep you unmatched even longer. According to Sally, this is how it’s done:

“When a subscriber completes their online questionnaire and profile, the site’s technology matches them up with compatible potentials, and the subscriber is shown a selection of matched profiles. However, although the algorithm is capable of matching based on compatibility, only one of the profiles shown is actually a match based on their algorithm; the others are either random profiles of other users, or fake profiles entirely.

If the subscriber doesn’t happen to click on the profile generated from the algorithm and instead selects one of the other randomly generated profiles, the algorithm shuts off for the next 4-5 months in an effort to recoup the cost spend of acquiring that subscriber. It’s been done like this for years, and is the way the business works.”

There you have it. My opinion? Any time you put people on one side, and the potential of love on the other, you will find someone in the middle with their greedy little paws out.

Article originally posted at Reprinted with permission.
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4 thoughts on “Online dating is a dirty little lie – part two”

  1. I was rather sceptical about online dating – there are just too many horror stories out there – but I was encouraged to try online dating by (of all people) my mother. I then met a man who fascinated me. He was funny and charming and we communicated for about 6 months on skype before planning to meet. Fast forward a few years (3) and we are now happily married. I still find him as funny and as charming today as I did three years ago. Online dating certainly worked for me. Perhaps the difference is that I tried an Indian dating website (it is not restricted to Indians) that is strictly for those who wish to date with a view to finding a life partner and not simply for those seeking random dates.

    1. There are certainly success stories and I am happy for you that yours is one of them. I think it’s good, though, to remember that these sites and services are–first and foremost–businesses. Their goal is to make money. If they weed out all the creeps and/or actually match everyone with Mr. / Mrs. Right on the first try they won’t be able to keep the cash flowing.

  2. The fact is, it depends, and vary from person to person. Not like that, everybody in the dating sites are fake and you can not trust anyone. Certainly there are scam artists in this online world, as well as there are good people too who genuinely want a partner. So anybody who is dating online should do a little research and perform a background check and after that should proceed in the relationship. Catfishing is a common term in the online dating world and all the online daters especially the women should know about it how it happens and what are the possible red flags to recognize them easily.

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